Two years ago
Walking around the beautifully lit city I hold her hand tightly, it’s our second anniversary and I’ve been planning on proposing tonight. What could be more romantic than being proposed to in Paris on your anniversary, it may sound a little clichéd, but to me it feels so right and without sounding too cocky, I know she’ll say yes.
We walk to the Louvre and stop to admire it, it’s looks amazing at night, the glass pyramid all lit up as it glows on the surface of the water. Most people would propose at the top of the Eiffel Tower, now that is clichéd, but this is where I’m going to do it. I take her hand in mine and hold it out in between us, she looks into my eyes almost as if she knows what’s coming.
Slowly I sink down onto one knee still holding her hand with one of mine, I produce a ring from the other one and hold out it in front of me. I struggle to find my voice as I ask her those all important words ‘Will you marry me?’ She stares at me for a few seconds, though they feel so much longer to me and finally she inclines her head and I notice her watery eyes.
I get to my feet and she jumps into my arms, we embrace, both of us becoming a little emotional. I wipe my eyes and smile at her as I take her hand in mine once again and slide the engagement ring onto the appropriate finger on her left hand. Then we kiss, it starts off slow, lips just brushing teasingly across the others and then one of us deepens it.
How we got from there back to the hotel was a blur to both of us, the next thing I remember happening is lips crashing on to lips as we burst through the door to our room. We just about manage to get the door closed behind us as clothes are practically ripped off and hands roam and explore over naked flesh. We gradually make it to the bed where we both show each other how much we love one another.
I can feel myself moving along the floor, the sound of rustling underneath me and as a cold splash hits my face I open my eyes, still expecting to be in the hotel room, in bed with . I look up and all I see is the different coloured leaves hanging off bare branches as the season’s change. They appear to be moving over my head, the reds, oranges and browns blurring into one colour.
I feel a sharp shooting pain my ankle and raise my head to see what’s causing it. I notice my foot has caught in the stirrup of the horse I was riding and she’s dragged me along for god knows how long. I have no idea how I ended up like this but my head is killing. I stare up at the sky which has turned almost black. A far cry from the sky blue colour it was when I set out on my ride.
Suddenly a flash of light fills the sky, followed by a loud clap of thunder almost on top of one another. The horse rears up onto it’s hind legs, causing me even more pain as it does so. Thankfully as the horse lands back on all fours my foot slips out of the stirrup and I’m able to roll out of the way. The rain pelts down harder and harder, soaking me to the bone.
I lie on the floor for a while longer and take a look at my surroundings, I realise I’m lying in the middle of a forest. I pull myself to my feet, a dull ache in my head makes me wince as my hands automatically hold my throbbing head. I feel a tiny trickle on my head and touch it, examining my hand I realise the wound on my head is bleeding. I stand up, perhaps a little faster than I should have and feel slightly dizzy. The pain in my ankle makes it hard to put any weight on it and I wince as I stagger towards the horse, leaning against her for support.
Another flash illuminates the sky and a boom of thunder follows, a few seconds later. The spooked horse rears up again and I make a grab for the reins as I try to calm her down. I figure this is how I probably ended up being dragged through the middle of the woods in the first place. “Ssshhh it’s ok” I try to reassure the animal, gently stroking her mane as she calms down slightly.
I glance around at my surroundings, still feeling dazed and confused as the rain seems to pound down even harder. I realise I have no idea where I am or how long I’ve been unconscious for. I check my pocket for my mobile phone, cursing silently to myself when I realise it’s not there. The only light from the sky seems to be fading as night time starts to draw in and I feel panicked. I have no idea where I am.
With some difficulty I manage to pull myself back onto the horses back, I cry out in pain as I put too much pressure on my ankle but I finally manage to get back onto the saddle. Having no idea where I’m going, I decide the best thing to do is turn around and head back the way I came. The horse trots slowly along the path, surrounded by trees and nothing else. I silently thank god that the storm has passed over, unsure I’d be able to hold on if the horse reared up again and threw me.
The rain continues pounding down, never letting up and never slowing down. I can feel my head bobbing up and down as my heavy eye lids start to close then open again as I struggle to stay conscious. Unable to take it any longer, I finally gave into a blissful slumber. I feel the blackness claim me as I slip into unconsciousness. My last coherent thought is her and how I screwed everything up. How I much I miss her and wish I still had her in my life. How hard it was to see her with another man, knowing it should be me.
******
“?” The voice is faint and quiet but I know who it is.
I struggle to open my eyes, my vision blurs then returns to normal, I try to sit up and figure out where I am but a firm hand holds me down. I look up and see her stood next to my bed, a weak smile on her face. I glance around the room and see , and stood next to her.
“You know where you are mate?” asks me and I nod my head, it’s fairly obvious that I’m hospital.
“We’ll give you two some privacy” says, ushering the other lads outside and leaving in my room.
“Are you ok?” She asks, barely making eye contact with me. I nod my head, just seeing her after so long is hard and I can’t seem to form any words, “What are you doing here?” I manage to blurt out. Her shoulders rise and then fall as she shrugs, “I was worried about you…” Her answer is simple yet it makes my heart soar, she must still care about me.
“What happened?” I ask, the last thing I could remember was being in the woods with my horse. “Someone found you out in Hazelwood, slumped over your horse. You were unconscious, you’ve been out cold for a couple of days. You’ve got a broken ankle, a nasty cut on your head and pneumonia” She explained, “You remember what happened?” “Does it matter?” I asked, looking at her. Nothing mattered anymore, not now she wasn’t in my life. “You nearly died , of course it matters” She snapped back, her tone harsh, a tone I rarely heard her use with anyone. “I died a year ago when you left me” I snapped back at her. “I think we both know who’s fault that was, don’t we?” She asked, exhaling a deep breath. I nodded my head, it was my fault. I was the one that ruined everything between us and now here I was trying to put the blame on her. I know I was stupid, throwing away what we had because of one stupid argument. I hurt her in the worse possible way a man could and I knew I would never forgive myself. How could I possibly expect her to forgive me.
“Look I only came to make sure you were ok. You are, so I’d better be going” She turned to walk away. “! Wait, please?” I asked, grabbing her wrist. She turned to face me, I could see unshed tears in her eyes and her reaction could mean one thing. She still loved me. Hopefully I had a chance to make things right again, a second chance that I wouldn’t be throwing away. “I’m sorry for everything. It was all my fault and I’ve never stopped thinking about you, I’ll never forgive myself for the hurt I caused you” I explained softly to her, still holding onto her hand so she couldn’t escape from me, “You know what I was thinking about when I finally lost consciousness? You. You’re all I could think of, I love you and I hate myself for what I did to you” “Are you finished?” She asked, shaking my grip from her wrist and stepping backwards. I nod my head sadly, I could see the pain I’d caused her, she hadn’t forgiven me, how could she? How was I supposed to ask her for a second chance now? I wouldn’t blame her if she hated me and wished me dead. “I don’t hate you…” She sighed, almost reading my thoughts. “You don’t?” She shook her head, “I want to , believe me. I tried to hate you but I just couldn’t do it. I guess you’ll always have a special place in my heart” “Does that mean there’s a chance that we could try again?” I asked, suddenly feeing incredibly hopeful.
My hope was soon dashed to shreds as she shook her head slowly from side to side, “I don’t think so…I’ve gotta get going now, I’ll send the guys back in” I watched her leave, tears building up in my eyes as I knew there was no chance for us to ever be together. There was only one person to blame and that was myself. I ruined the best relationship I’ve ever been in because of some drunken fling that meant nothing, that I had no recollection of the next morning until I saw the story in the papers. That bitch had sold her story for a quick payment and it was all my fault.
I clambered out of my bed, ripping the drip from my hand and all the other things that were connecting me to various machines in the room. The beeping got louder and louder but I ignored it, staring out of my window hoping for one last glimpse of her before she walked out of my life for good. “ what are you doing?” ’s worried voice asked, above the beeping of the machines. “I can’t let her leave” I tell him, turning on my heel. The cast on my foot making it hard to walk. “You can’t leave , look at the state of you” points out as I try to rush past him. “Get out my way or help me” I snap as I push past them.
Running out the room as best as I could, I race outside praying I wasn’t too late. I hear someone running behind me and turn my head slightly as they catch up with me. “’s phoned her, told her he needs to talk to her and could she wait in the car park” said, jogging alongside me as I refuse to stop until I’d seen her. Finally we made it outside, holding me up slightly as we reached the car park. I saw her stood with her back to me and stopped, I watched her until she turned around and saw me hobbling towards her. “? What are you doing out of bed?” She asked, her face wrinkled in confusion.
All of a sudden I was very aware that I was only wearing a hospital gown and the back of it was flapping wildly in the wind. Feeling all of a sudden very exposed I stopped walking and just looked at her. Her eyes were full of concern and something else, something I couldn’t put my finger on but I knew it wasn’t hate. “What the hell are you doing? You shouldn’t be out of bed” She walked the last few steps towards me and I tried to hide how much discomfort my ankle was causing me. Without answering her questions or concerns I pull her towards me and kiss her. At first she struggles against me but I hold her firm, until finally she relaxes and starts to kiss me back. Reluctantly I pull away, my arms still holding her close to my body, not wanting to let her go again.
“I’m sorry, I…I just… I can’t lose you again. I love you” I tell her lowering my gaze from her face, “I know I don’t deserve another chance” “?” I hear her voice and look up at her, “I love you too” I lean forward to place my lips against hers once again when I fell her hands on my chest, pushing me away from her. I loosen my hold of her as she takes a step back away from me. I watch her intently, confusion written all over my face. She kissed me back, that had to have meant that something. “I can’t do this , this doesn’t change anything between us. I still love you but I can’t trust you…” She tells me, her gaze lowered to the floor. I want to protest, to tell her that I’ve changed. That this past year without her has been absolute hell, that not a minute went by that she didn’t enter my thoughts. I try to open my mouth to beg her for another chance but I realise it’s pointless. As I gaze into her eyes I see that there’s no chance for us, she’s made her mind up and there nothing I can say to change it.
I can see her eyes shining with the tears she’s struggling to hold back, “I’m sorry ” She turns her back on me and walks away. I watch her walk away from me, out of my life as tears slowly start to roll down my face. I feel a hand on my shoulder and turn my head to see the concerned face of . I rub my eyes with the heel of my hands as he guides me back towards the hospital. I take one last glance over my shoulder just in case she’s changed her mind. She’s not coming back to me, I’ve lost her forever now and there’s no one to blame but myself.
