I make my way through the busy street, I was late as usual and wasn’t going to be pleased. Today was our eighth wedding anniversary and I’d completely forgotten we had plans, she had every right to be mad at me, I shouldn’t have forgotten. We’ve done the same thing on every anniversary every year for the past seven, this year has been different though and I hate how things are with us at the moment.
We’ve barely spoken in months, it’s like we’ve just drifted apart. The love is still there of course, that would never go away and I can see it every time I look into her eyes. I know she still loves me and I love her too, more now than the day I met her, if that’s possible. Of course we both have busy jobs so making time to sort out our relationship has proved very difficult, being in a famous boy band doesn’t really help and she has her career in the film industry and is a very successful actress here in Ireland and the UK.
The band has taken a well deserved year off from the music business and had planned to do the same but then out of the blue a few months ago she accepted another role in another film. She must really dread having to spend time with me and is trying to avoid me by working. She’s spent months over in LA finishing a film she’s been working on for some time and now she’s come back home we’ve barely spoken two words to each other.
She seems to have shut herself out from everyone else, including me, I know something is bothering her and I know she wont tell me what it is. That’s one of her downfalls, actually one of mine too, we both are terrible for expressing our feelings. We keep them locked away until it all becomes too much and we’re fit to burst. So I need to make sure I’m around when she does finally burst, I need to comfort her, I need it as much as she needs it.
I was actually starting to worry that she might’ve fallen out of love with me but then I noticed tonight’s date on the calendar, it was circled with red pen, there was no name of a restaurant, we always went to the same one on our anniversary, just a time, 7pm. She wouldn’t want to go to our restaurant if she didn’t love me anymore, we have so many memories there, all good. As soon as Westlife started making a little bit of money I took her there, it was the first time either of us had been in a fancy restaurant and then I took her there when I proposed to her. Seeing that written on the calendar filled me with hope, maybe she was just having a hard time telling me what she was feeling but she still wanted to spend our anniversary together.
I’m cursing myself for forgetting about our plans tonight but time just got away from me and by the time I got home she was already gone. So now I’m rushing to the restaurant to try and salvage what’s left of our evening and praying that she hasn’t been there too long. As I arrive at the restaurant I look around and spot sat at a table for two on her own, I feel a huge twinge of guilt as I make my way over and see a waiter place the bill on her table. Guess I’m later than I thought I was.
I sit down opposite her and go to grab the bill, the least I can do is pay for her meal. She barely even looks up at me as she snatches the bill before I get it. “Sorry I’m late, I thought we were meeting at the other restaurant I proposed to you in” I try and lighten the mood with a joke, it doesn’t work and I receive the silent treatment.
“Look I’m really sorry, I just lost track of time, I’ve been trying to write some new material for when we go back to work and I just got caught up in what I was doing” I tried to apologise, “Let me make it up to you, please. I’m so sorry I forgot about our dinner but I did get you something” I search my pockets for the gift I’d bought for her months ago but it’s not there, “Shit, I left it at home” I just can’t seem to get anything right lately.
I watch as leaves some money to pay for her meal and closes the leather binding in which the bill was handed to her. “Happy anniversary” She says, then stands up and walks from the restaurant, away from me.
I let out a sigh as I watch her leave, I don’t even go after her. I know I’ve messed up and I’m the last person she’s going to want to see at the moment. So I decide to walk home to clear my head and give her chance to calm down, I need to think of a way to get her to open up to me or even listen to me. I miss her desperately even though she’s right there, in the same house as me she’s still so distant. I want us to sort things out and go back to normal.
I got home about an hour later and the whole house was in darkness apart from the glow of the television coming from the living room. I quietly walk into the living room and peer round the door, ’s watching our wedding video again. She does this quite a lot just lately, I walk over to where she is sitting and see she’s fallen asleep, her eyes red and puffy from where she’s been crying. I know I’m the cause of her tears and I hate myself for hurting her, I swore I would never let anything hurt her and here I am, the cause of her pain. I reach over and wipe her tear stained face with my hand and she shivers, I swear I heard her whisper my name but I’m not sure. I grab the blanket from over the back of the sofa and place it on top of her, tucking it in to keep her warm.
Laughter on the television screen draws my attention away from my sleeping wife, I turn to look at the screen at us dancing, ’s laughing as I’m whispering something in her ear. God I can’t even remember what I said to her.
We look so happy, it’s been too long since I can remember seeing her smile and I blame myself. I should’ve tried harder to make our relationship work.
I pick up the remote control and turn the TV off, leaving the room in relative darkness. I place a soft kiss on ’s forehead and go upstairs to my studio. It’s quite late but I’ve not been sleeping much lately, instead I’ve been spending most of my time in my small studio trying to write some songs, not that I think they’ll ever be good enough for an album but maybe one day I’ll stumble onto something good enough. For now I find it relaxes me and that’s good enough for me.
I must’ve fallen asleep in my studio because I’m woken by the sun shining in my eyes the next morning. I stand up and stretch, sleeping in a chair doesn’t do much for your posture. I walk towards the window and spot a familiar car parked outside my house, the driver is leant up against it. If I didn’t know any better I’d say it was , but he’s supposed to be in Australia. I hear some movement downstairs and the front door close. I see walk over to the car, smiles at her and pulls her into his arms. They hug for a lot longer than someone should hug his best mates wife and then they kiss, nothing too much but enough to get my blood boiling. I run downstairs after them, wanting to know what the hell is going on but I’m too late. They’re already in the car and driving away.
The tears start to fall freely now, how could she? I don’t understand, if she doesn’t want me anymore why not just tell me? Instead she meets her bit on the side outside our house, not caring who sees them and top it all off it’s one of my best friends. I walk back into the house and rest my back against the closed door, I slump down and cry into my hands. Trying to figure out how she could do this to me, we’ve been together for so long now and I always believed we could work through this rough patch but now I’m not so sure. I thought I’d be able to forgive for anything but can I forgive this kind of betrayal? I don’t think I can, I just hope that it’s some kind of misunderstanding.
I can’t stay in our house any longer, I need to get out and clear my head so I decide to go for a walk to clear my head and try to figure out what to say to when she comes home, if she comes home.
Before I realise it I’ve been out walking for almost 2 hours and find myself standing outside a large house, I look around and try and get my bearings. I have no idea where I am or what made me come here, then I notice a car on the drive way. It was very similar to the car that had earlier, in fact it looks almost identical. I have to go and take a closer look, I walk up the drive way and then I notice two figures through one of the windows and I stop dead in my tracks.
Walking a little closer to the window not wanting to be seen, there I see and on the sofa inside. They are both lying on the sofa in each others arms, ’s head resting on his chest and his arms wrapped protectively around her as they watch some film on TV.
I could feel the anger rising from somewhere deep inside of me and I storm away from the window and pick up a large stone from the garden. Without thinking twice I hurl it at the window and quickly walk away before I’m spotted. I slow down once I’m sure I’m out of sight, instantly regretting doing something so childish.
Now there was no doubt in my mind that something was going on between and , friends didn’t lie watching TV like that, it was too intimate. I kept walking, my hands firmly in my pocket and my head hung hoping no one would recognise me. I had no idea where I was so I just kept walking, it was dark before I finally got back home and I just stood outside our house staring at it. The lights were on inside so must be home, I wanted to go inside and confront her but I just couldn’t seem to move.
I take a deep breath and walk up to the front door, opening it I hear the familiar sound of our wedding video coming from the living room. I shake my head, feeling slightly confused, why if she’s having an affair would she come home and watch our wedding video, crying herself to sleep in front of it. Was it the guilt of cheating on me? I have no idea.
I open the door to the living room, feeling the threatening tears stinging my eyes as I try to hold them back. I walk round to the chair that was slouched in, she was asleep again, I crouch down next to her chair and brush some hair out of her face. I feel the tears start to come as I look at her face. I’d been so angry earlier and now all I felt was love, I could never stop loving her no matter what she did.
I stand up and sit down on the sofa, watching our wedding video and suddenly feeling inspired to write. I rush out of the room and grab my note pad from upstairs, I sit back down and start the video from the beginning as I begin to write lyrics down. I sat for most of the night writing until I was happy with what I’d written, I felt quite excited about showing the others.
My excitement didn’t last long as I remembered what had happened earlier today, I glance over at still asleep in the chair with a blanket over her. As she moves in the chair her hand falls down to the side of the chair, something falling as her hand becomes unclenched, it clinks as it hits the wooden panels and rolls across the floor. I place the note pad down on the coffee table in front of me, the pen on top of it and walk over to where was still sleeping.
She shivers slightly so I wrap the blanket around her a little tighter and pick up the object she’s dropped. A wedding ring, my wedding ring? It couldn’t be? I quickly look at ’s left hand where her ring still sat on her ring finger along with her engagement ring and then at my own hand where my ring should’ve been. Mine was gone, I stared down at the ring in my right hand then back to my left hand.
I didn’t take it off, I know I didn’t take it off. How did have it? I couldn’t work it out, I was becoming more confused by the second and nothing made sense anymore. I crouch down beside and run the back of my hand softly over her cheek causing her to stir in her sleep.
“…” I hear her whisper. “I’m here babe” I say quietly, brushing some of the hair out of her face. “Why did you leave me ?” She mumbles, still fast asleep “I haven’t left you I’m right here” I tell her, placing my hand inside hers.
It feel’s weird talking to her like this but this was the most we’d spoken in months so it would have to do. I watch a tear slowly run down her face, I lift my hand and wipe it away before it could continue on it’s journey down her cheek.
“Why are you crying babe? I’m right here” I tell her, still puzzled by everything that was going on. “You left me alone and I miss you so much” She suddenly said, a few more tears started to fall down her face.
I wrinkle my forehead in frustration and confusion, “I never left, I’ve been here the whole time” I tell her, feeling my own tears threatening.
I stand up and run my hands through my hair, I pace back and forth in our living room trying to make sense of everything. Then something comes back to me. I reach down and touch the left side of my abdomen and then around to touch my lower back. And then it hits me, that night that I’d tried so hard to forget, it comes rushing back to me with such a force that it almost knocks me off my feet.
I feel like I’m watching my life as if I were watching a movie, I’m stood in the living room watching myself and , I recognise what we are wearing and know that we’ve come from an award show that took place a few months ago, though I can’t for the life of me remember which one. I’m smartly dressed in a black suit, even though I’ve already loosened my tie and undone the top button of my shirt and looks stunning in the simple black dress she wore that evening.
As I watch myself and I smile, we were so happy back then and now the smile fades from my face as I remember what is about to happen next. I want to shout to my past self not to go upstairs but I know it’s no use, it’s already happened and there’s nothing I can do to stop it.
I follow myself and up the stairs and into our bedroom, I watch us kiss and smile even though my eyes are watery with unshed tears. flicks the light on and screams, it’s an eerie blood curdling scream that makes the hairs stand up on the back of my neck.
I hear myself shout and walk further into the room, I need to see this happen, though I’m not completely sure why. A young man is standing in our room, the window is open and the wind is blowing the curtain back and forth. He looks scared, his hand shakes as he points his weapon at me. I watch myself try to talk sense into this young man, he babbles something about loving me and us being destined to be together.
He holds the gun firmly, trying to stop his shaking hand and then squeezes the trigger. I watch as I clutch the left side of my abdomen and stagger backwards onto the bed, another shot rings through our bedroom as the young man turns the gun on himself. I watch with tear filled eyes as runs to my side and examines the bullet wound, there’s no blood and I see a small wave of relief rush over her. It’s short lived, however, as she notices the large puddle of blood underneath me, tears fall from her eyes as she gently rolls me on my side.
“I think I’m ok. I think it just went in and out, it doesn’t even hurt anymore” I hear myself whisper as she cradles me in her arms.
And then I’m gone. My eyes open, looking at her, full of unshed tears.
***
How did I forget about that night, how did I forget the look in ’s eyes as she held me, hearing her voice telling me to stay with her as I drifted off to a peaceful, eternal sleep. This explains so much, it explains why had been ignoring me and why she’d been so distant, she couldn’t even see me. No one could. I walk back into the living room and place my wedding ring back onto the notepad I’d been writing on and kneel down in front of . I need to say goodbye to her, that must be why I’m still here. I have no idea how I know that, I just do. I take both her hands in mine and she shivers.
“, can you hear me?” I ask her, she nods and squeezes both my hands in hers, “I’m sorry I left you, baby” I start to cry as I watch her bottom lip tremble as she tries to hold her own tears back.
“I love you so much” I say, swallowing the lump that has formed in my throat as she whispers those three little words back to me. “I have to go now” I tell her, “I want you to be happy, if makes you happy then be with ”
She nods her head slowly as more and more tears run down her face, I lean forward and capture her lips with mine, wondering whether she can even feel the contact. My question is soon answered as I feel her kiss me back, tasting each others tears.
I reluctantly pull away from her and wipe the tears from her face, “I have to go now babe” I whisper to her, she nods her head that she understands and I kiss her one last time.
***
I shoot forward from the chair and touch my lips, it felt so real yet I know it can’t be. He’s gone, no matter how real that dream felt and he’s not coming back, he can’t come back no matter how much I need him to. I glance towards the television screen and see that it’s been paused, the image on the screen brings a tear to my eye, smiling at the camera as he gave his speech. I frown, not remembering pausing the video before I drifted off to sleep. I look at the clock, it’s late, almost 4 in the morning. I stand up, deciding to go to bed for a few hours and then I notice the coffee table.
There sat on the table is ’s note pad, a pen resting on top of it and a ring. His wedding ring, I always held it whilst I watched our video or thought about him but I don’t remember putting it over there. I move the ring and pick up the notepad, my heart beat quickens as I notice the writing on the pad. It’s ’s hand writing and I have no idea how his pad got down here, no one had been in his studio since he died. I look down at the words written on the paper, it was a song and it wasn’t one I ever remember seeing. I start to read the lyrics written on the note pad.
I can't sleep,
I just can't breathe,
when your shadow is all over me, baby.
Don't wanna be a fool in your eyes,
'Cause what we had was built on lies.
And when our love seems to fade away,
Listen to me hear what I say...
I don't wanna feel the way that I do,
I just wanna be right here with you,
I don't wanna see, see us apart,
I just wanna say it straight from my heart
I miss you...
What would it take for you to see?
To make you understand,
that I'll always believe (always believe)
You and I can make it through,
And I still know I can't get over you.
'Cause when our love seems to fade away,
Listen to me hear what I say...
I don't wanna feel the way that I do,
I just wanna be right here with you,
I don't wanna see, see us apart
I just wanna say it straight from my heart
oh, baby I miss you, I do...
'Cause when our love always fades away,
Listen to me hear what I say...
I don't wanna feel the way that I do,
I just wanna be right here with you,
I don't wanna see, see us apart,
I just wanna say it straight from my heart
I miss you, I miss you, I do...
I don't wanna feel the way that I do
I just wanna be right here with you
I don't wanna see, see us apart
I just wanna say it straight from my heart
oh baby I miss you, I do...
The tears were once again running down my face after I’d finished reading, I touch my lips once again with my finger tips where I swear I’d felt his lips on mine during my dream. It had felt so real, my hands still tingled where I’d felt him hold them and I could still feel his touch against my cheek. Then there was what he said to me, ‘He was sorry for leaving me and he loved me’ I told him I loved him too, I do and I’ll never stop loving him. Then he told me he ‘wanted me to be happy, with ’ had really been there for me since ’s funeral, 6 months ago but I wasn’t ready for a relationship. I smiled to myself a little bit, the first smile in months, maybe it hadn’t been a dream after all.
I Miss You - Westlife
